- Third Entry: Pathetic, by Teruo Kōtaishi
It's been a few days since I last saw Orochimaru-sama. He stopped by a few days ago. His arms. They were burnt, brittle and weak. He could barely lift them, it looked horrible. I could easily tell he was in pain. His face told his anguish. He gritted his teeth tightly, and there was so much rage in his eyes. His very core. It also seemed like he was tired. Always tired. He was slowing down; he was definitely much weaker. I asked him whats wrong, but he dismissed me. I continue..I guess you could say I pursued him and Kabuto for awhile. I followed them outside. Thats where he said it. I tried to tell Orochimaru that I was strong now, that I was powerful enough to be his protege. Alas, it was too late.
That one word etched into me. Torn my skin asunder, ripped my muscles to shred, poisoned my vital organs and struck me at the soul. Coming out of his mouth, Orochimaru-sama called me that word. He gave up on me, just as my parents did before him. Kabuto had this stupid look on his face, and seeing it, at that moment made me go into a blind rage. In a fit of anger and displeasure, my body had those same black markings on it from before. My chakra grew exponentially, and then I darted at Kabuto with all my power. Thats when I blacked out. I guess I lossed, because I awoke a few times but everything was still a blur. I heard Kabuto mention something about my stamina, and willpower. Then he procedded to say that I had nice chakra, but Orochimaru offered something else. I still remembered that moment, he looked at me with such disgust. He didn't even look at me, he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. A careless glance at that.
Again, Orochimaru openly stated his thoughts of me. He said something about eyes, and desire for power. Then that name, Sasuke Uchiha. I know its that guy I seen on the moniter. I know who it is, yet I was clearly his inferior. Orochimaru had chosen this guy over me, and had looked down upon me as simple trash; I was truly pathetic. Later that day, the rain awoke me. The tingling sensation of each raindrop awoke me. Suddenly, I flew up, only to be welcomed by pain; inside and out. I began to cry and scream at the same time. It was overbearing, and yes, I contemplated suicide. But then I figured, why give people a reason to know me. Dying a death in solitude would fit me much better. The burden of being felt so weak, being decieved like that made me sad, weak, angry and jealous all at the same time. Depression was the first to be felt.
I was left by everyone. No longer a reason to survive as I was to pathetic for Orochimaru-sama. This "Sasuke Uchiha" was Orochimaru's new protege. He wasn't my friends..he was my replacement. I thought things would change, because I'm strong now, but I was wrong. I was nowhere near that strength. His aggression, speed, strength, everything. He was more than me...and I was pathetic. Thats when I looked in the mirror, literally. I stared at a single puddle of water for hours, maybe days. Truthfully, I have no idea how long. My parents disowned me, my sensei replaced me, and above it all, I was alone. Sasuke Uchiha, must have had it all with Orochimaru-sama. Thats exactly what I thought, heh, jealousy and rage are understatements of what I feel..!
I contemplated going after Orochimaru, pleading with him to accept me. Go after him, and fight him until he recognized me as "alive". Alas, I knew it would all fail. Nothing would go in my favor, and even if I did go after him, at the most, I'll just be defeated by Kabuto once again. And called pathetic once again...It's true, words hurt more than physical pain.
I guess theres no purpose in making journals like this anymore, but then again, I have no purpose, so this fits me nicely. What disturbs me most, is that through it all, I still think of him. I still call him Orochimaru-sama. Why is that? Why do I still want him to acknowledge my existence. I wonder, has anyone ever been tricked. If so, would they be able emphathize with me?
It took me some time for the astonishment to wear off. I finally came to reality; I had been left...bearing the burden of sorrow, until next time, Teruo.